Week 7
EASTBOURNE
Eastbourne Tourist Information states:
"Whether you're planning a day out at the seaside, enjoying our award winning beaches and excellent sunshine record or a relaxing short break exploring Beachy Head and the South Downs. Eastbourne Tourism will help you find all you need for the perfect stay, from hotels to restaurants, shops, attractions to keep the kids amused, to great things to do for grown ups. As a holiday resort, Eastbourne has something for everyone!"
(Eastbourne Pier...)
This week I shall be mainly staying in The Big Sleep. A hotel owned by the legendary actor Mr John Malkovich. OF COURSE IT IS. Every room has a picture of Johnny Boy in their room. I have heard the location of the picture differs from room to room. My picture was above my desk so, whilst making tea and jotting down outlandish ideas and thoughts, I could glance up at Mr Malkovich and question whether he ever had to put KY Jelly on a saucer, so cigarettes on stage would be extinguished abruptly and safely. Where is the fake yoghurt? Has the fake boiler been removed from the wall? Has he ever had these thoughts? Given he owns a chain of hotels after an illusive acting career, he probably doesn't have to think. The assumption is the hotels were paid for by the Nespresso advert he did with George Clooney. Pocket money! I digress. Every morning when I awake from my slumber I make my coffee, doff a fake cap and exclaim "Good Morning Mr Malcovich."
It is probably the only time I will say good morning to The Big J.M, so I am making the most of it. Some people spoke of the photo being above their bed. It becomes slightly more sinister then, with undertones of 1984, Big Brother is watching you. Suddenly the sitting in front of his picture, saying good morning and goodnight takes on a completely different meaning. IS JOHN MALKOVICH TAKING OVER? IS HE ALWAYS WATCHING?
I covered the picture with a vest.
The curtains are truly something to behold. To be pure and simple, the curtain is a rug.
A big furry rug. It made one feel like I was sleeping on the wall. Looking down at the rug.I have nothing more to say on this rug debacle. I liked it. I won't be buying one but, I liked it.
I stayed up most nights and had good banter with the night porters on reception. One of the chaps, who called everybody Sir, (which is how it should be), could recite the entire Blackpool FC team from 1956. Pointless. But impressive all the same. I admired him. Then the other chap tried to trounce him by reeling off the 1959 Arsenal football team. I wasn't as impressed. It was basically exactly the same story just with different names. Hearing it twice in succession was a bit dull. Still, they were very friendly and we had great banter. #megabants
If I am honest, I saw very little of Eastbourne. On our free days I travelled elsewhere. I don't have anything against Eastbourne, I just had to be in other places. So, I will try and sum up what I did see:
The beach looked good, when it wasn't blowing a gale with short bursts of torrential rain. I am exaggerating, the sun did come out and it was bright, warm and harked back to the glory days of summer we had this year. However, these glorious sunny summer days were matinees so we didn't see any of it. Mr Hill and Miss O'Kelly went for a swim. My sources tell me they were extremely tentative walking in to the sea at first. One can only imagine how cold it was, and the immediate freezing of the feet, the cold rushing up the leg. Then they submerged. Refreshing. It seems to be a recurring theme for certain members of the company to plunge into icy seas. They are made of far sturdier stuff than I. Give me a luke warm bath and I am LIVID.
I bumped into a friend who informed me there are a lot of mobility scooters to rent in Eastbourne, there are also several thousand hotels. They have a certain look about them. That quintessential seaside look, Victorian style with signs expressing all are welcome even if you aren't staying there. Everyone is welcome for tea, lunch, breakfast or dinner. Everyone and anyone. Oh come on in. Sorry I can't find a seat for the breakfast I paid for when I rented a room here for a large sum of money. "We apologise Sir, we have many guests here for breakfast today. 85% aren't staying here but we need more money to appease Mr Malkovich."
CURSE YOU MALKOVICH!!!!!! (If for any obscure reason Mr Malkovich reads this. I am writing it for comic effect. It is not personal and I am a huge fan. I know John Malkovich joined Chicago's Steppenwolf Theatre, founded by his friend Gary Sinise. Worked solidly for 7 years before he showed up in New York in Sam Shepard's play "True West" and has probably done all there is to do in the theatre. And I bloody loved Johnny English.)
Our audiences were small yet perfectly formed. We were up against Cabaret with Mr Will Young. Not to be confused with Will Smith, a mistake Zac made every day! I know what you're thinking, that is the first mention of Zac in this blog, and you are also thinking hopefully it's the last! Our audiences thoroughly enjoyed their theatrical experience.
We also gave people the chance to see a 1960's show for 1960's prices. YOU HEARD.
That's right, on our final show we were selling tickets for 6 shillings or 30 pence to you and I. (Even though technically the change of the monetary system hadn't come into play and 6 shillings in the 60's would actually have been 70 pence. Ah well!) So we boosted numbers considerably and made £9.50. BOOM. COMING AT YOU LIKE A SPARROW IN THE NIGHT. Well I could rest easy that my weekly wage was covered. Also, on the final night, Eastbourne was celebrating fireworks and bonfires. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ?
https://twitter.com/LaurenWBarclay/status/388690407959584768/photo/1
Therefore, during The Public Eye, the ever looming prospect of World War III was sounding quite imminent. It was loud. Perfect night to commit crime. So I did.
(Yeah take that Malkovich. I turned the L off. Who wants a luxury stay at The Big Seep?)
Final point, something that has been playing on my mind for a long time. Just where is the museum of shops?
Eastbourne. DONE
Ciao
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